Don't get me wrong, she was a cute lump, but honestly there is nothing about that stage that I miss. She didn't smile for the first time until she was about 12 weeks old and it was a LOOOOOONG 12 weeks waiting for that smile. When you put so much time, blood, sweat and milk into caring for a completely helpless human, the least you want in return is a little love and they can't give it yet.
People who say they wish they could keep their babies little are probably referring to the smiling, sitting-up stage around 5-8 months. Babies definitely get cuter around this age as they fatten up and lose their smushed alien newborn look. But I wouldn't go back to this stage either, cute as it was. Valerie wanted to go places and reach for things but she couldn't crawl yet. It was frustrating for her to wiggle on her hands and knees trying and failing to get anywhere. And of course she still really could not communicate at all except by crying or smiling.
Each age for me has been more fun than the last. Every tiny step toward personhood is a victory. Every new development lets a baby show you her personality, her love, her curiosity; every gain in physical strength lets her explore and discover the world around her and you begin to see who she will be. This is so much greater to me than an adorable but impenetrable creature who is impossible to interact with.
Every day my struggle is to enjoy her as she is now and not wish away the day, hoping that tomorrow will be the day she finally says "mama" or uses a spoon to eat. Every time she makes the next big leap in development there's another one right behind it that she can't do yet.
She is new to walking and getting steadier every day and I can't lie, seeing her walk on her own feet fills me with joy every time. And not just because she's so hilariously and adorably wobbly.
I can't imagine seeing her toddling around the backyard pointing at everything she sees and wishing she was a tiny baby again. Nothing is more thrilling than seeing her grow into an upright, capable person.
I sing songs to Valerie all the time now. Her eyes absolutely light up whenever she hears one of her favorite songs. Keep in mind I can't carry a tune to save my life. I'm still trying to learn the words to the animal sounds song even though I've heard it about a million times (that one is her absolute favorite). But she loves it when I sing and smiles and claps for more. I'm sure she will soon be demanding that I never sing again and I don't want to be singing the ABCs 10 times a day forever, but tonight I was trying to remember the words to "Baby Beluga" and "Down by the Bay" on the way home and actually really enjoying myself. Anyone having a rough day should try singing their favorite kid's song to a toddler who listens, entranced. One of those mom moments you never anticipated loving, but there it is.
Today was a pretty successful one in the ongoing struggle to enjoy the moment. It is getting easier. All I have to do is ask, "what does a chicken say?" and the tiny answer, "cuck cuck," climbs inside my heart and fills it to the brim til I can't imagine loving her any more.
This is my experience of being a mom so far: getting to watch this brand new person meet herself as she gradually becomes aware that she exists. I have no idea what tomorrow holds but my little girl will be a little older, a little stronger, and a little more aware than she was today, and I will be there to see it.
I have an image of her in my mind, wearing a backpack, her hair in pigtails, getting on the school bus by herself. Off to school she goes! I love to imagine her like this, old enough to tell me about her day, ask questions, surprise me and make me laugh with the things she says.
I know that day is coming faster than I realize and I can hardly wait.
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