The Binky Fairy

The first and last binky:  the mute button. Here she is at 2 months old with the same binky we put out for the binky fairy over 3 years later.

 One exciting milestone that (unfortunately) happened during Jimmy and Marian's visit in the middle of May was the Binky Fairy's visit to our house. It started when I got a phone call from Valerie's school on Friday afternoon. She had chewed through her binky (pacifier) at school and they wanted me to send in a new one. For a pretty long time she had only been allowed to have a binky during naps and at night, and at almost 3.5, I knew it was getting to be time to say goodbye to the binky for good, but I wasn't in a huge hurry, because the binky was partially responsible for Valerie being a wonderful sleeper and the easiest child in the world to put to bed. In fact she would often put herself down for a nap or to bed because she just wanted her binky time.

But, all good things must come to an end, and for us the chewing of the binky brought on the end. We had several binkies over the years for her, but we often lost them traveling, and in May we were down to just two - one at home and one at school. I refused to buy more of them with her nearing 3.5 and knowing we would be pulling the plug, so to speak, soon enough. She chewed completely through the one at school and the tip came off, which is a huge choking hazard, and her binky at home was also mostly chewed through, but hanging on by a thread. I knew the chewing through of the school binky was our signal to say goodbye to the binky for good.

It was terrible timing to make a huge change to our routine with our friends visiting for the weekend, but I felt we had no choice to delay it any longer. The binky was just not safe and it had to go. I googled some ideas for how to get rid of the pacifier and decided to go with the Binky Fairy approach, which I think turned out to be very successful for us. I bought a light-up magic wand, some loose glitter, and some candy at the drugstore, and I started on Friday by telling Valerie the legend of the Binky Fairy, who would be coming to our house on Saturday night, taking the binky, and replacing it with candy and a toy, similar to the way the Tooth Fairy takes a lost tooth and leaves money in its place. She had one last night on Friday with the binky and Saturday night she would bid it farewell and place it out on the front step for the Binky Fairy.

As expected, she was enchanted by the idea of the Binky Fairy and couldn't wait to leave her binky out. She sweetly told her binky good-bye on Saturday night and put it out on the front step, and went to bed.

Within a minute or so of going to bed, she began to cry that she wanted her binky. Okay. So she didn't quite grasp the concept that binky was GONE for good. She cried for a while and we laid down with her for a while until she finally fell asleep. The transition was not as easy as I had hoped. In the morning she got to go outside and find the magic wand and candy the Binky Fairy left for her - and glitter! There was glitter where the Binky Fairy had been! So magical. She asked lots of questions and was very excited about her new wand.

The next night, she got to take her new wand to bed, which was cool, but she still didn't totally understand binky being gone for good, and she cried and cried and took a long time to fall asleep. This went on for the next couple of nights and after about 4 nights she started to understand and went to sleep more easily. They were a scary four nights for us as we wondered if we had reached the permanent end of our easy-to-sleep child! Rich was NOT happy about my hard stance on the end of the binky but we persevered and all was well in the end. Valerie adjusted and now she doesn't ask for her binky anymore. Her requests got less and less frequent as the weeks and months went by, and they seem to have finally stopped completely.

Sometimes I wonder if we should have let her keep it longer until she was really fine with giving it up, but I remind myself that it was just not safe for her to have a binky anymore since she would chew right through them. We did the right thing, and it was a bit painful, but we made it through and our great sleeper is still a wonderful sleeper, although she never puts herself down for a nap anymore like she did. Naps on the weekends are rare now, but the upside is that we don't have to plan around naptime anymore, which is quite nice. She gets plenty of quiet time watching TV shows instead... I know, bad parenting alert. She definitely gets too much screen time, but.... oh well. She loves her shows and it doesn't seem to be hindering her development at all. I'm so proud of my big girl, getting more grown up and articulate and sweet by the day.

Adventures with Jimmy and Marian

When we landed at SFO on Monday night coming home from San Diego, we headed to the Hertz rental car center to wait for our great friends the Dickinsons, who were flying in from Cincinnati to visit! We were so excited to see Jimmy, Marian and (almost 18-month-old) baby Joshua! When we realized that we would be flying in just an hour or so before them, and they were planning on renting a minivan large enough for the six of us to drive around in, we decided it made the most sense to just wait at the airport so we could all drive home together, rather than take a separate uber. We typically uber to the airport rather than drive and park because the airport parking at SFO is sooo expensive! It's cheaper to uber there and back.

So, we settled in to wait for our friends... and wait.... and wait.... their flight was a bit delayed, and it took them a while to make their way to Hertz. But finally, sometime around 11 pm, we found them, a bit worse for the wear after a long, rough flight with sick, crabby Joshua. After some difficulty securing the minivan and getting both car seats installed, we were FINALLY on our way home, one exhausted crew with two passed-out little ones.

The next morning we got to catch up a little bit before Rich went in to work and they told us their big news, that Joshua has a little brother on the way (although we did not know it was a brother at the time)!!!! Very exciting!! But also making the travel that much rougher for poor Marian who was a bit more tired and queasy than she would have been without a bun in the oven.

The whole crew walked Valerie to school, and then I took the Dickinsons to Veggie Grill for lunch before they headed out for the next few days. They had booked a hotel up in wine country for Tuesday until Friday, at which point they would come back down and stay with us for the weekend.

We anxiously awaited their return on Friday, and we all piled into the van and drove over to Shoreline park near the Google campus to walk around the park and see the lake before we picked up Indian food for dinner.  Poor Joshua was still under the weather and not himself and poor Marian was fighting a bad headache. We ordered some Indian takeout and hurried home to devour it. Once we all scarfed our meal everyone was feeling a little better and the battle to get Joshua to sleep could begin. Poor thing, we just did not get to see his usual cheerful self on this visit; he was exhausted and unwell and just wanted Marian to hold him.

After a night of less-than-ideal sleep we psyched ourselves up to go to the beach at Santa Cruz for the afternoon. First Joshua ate a bowl of Cheerios, then he puked them up everywhere, so we debated staying home, but decided we might as well still venture to the beach. Fortunately he didn't puke again after that.

We had a fun afternoon playing at the beach in spite of strong winds (well, everyone except Joshua. I can't say he had fun at any point). Jimmy even submerged himself completely in the ice cold Pacific ocean water, and he also tortured Joshua by putting his feet in.

We ferried our ragamuffin crew back home for a quiet night in. We had tried to secure a babysitter to watch the kids Saturday night so the adults could go out, but she canceled on us, and with Joshua in the state he was in we realized we would have had to cancel on her anyway. The boy needed his mama close by.

It ended up being a really fun night in after all once the kids were asleep. We got takeout for dinner again, and played games with plenty of hilarity and got to catch up, which was fantastic.

On Sunday we got Oren's Hummus for lunch and went for a hike (ok... a walk) at Foothills Park. It was a lovely day and a nice walk, but we found out afterward that Marian must have walked in some poison oak because she wound up with a huge, nasty reaction on her ankle after they got home.

With all the sickness, puking, poison oak, terrible flights and lack of sleep, I'm not sure if our friends were really glad they came to visit, but we sure were glad they came all the way out to see us! We miss them and love them so very much! Love you Dickinsons and can't wait to meet new baby boy in December!!! XOXO

Winter in the Bay

We don't have much exciting to report from the second half of January. It was chilly for outdoor activities and still getting dark soon after 5 pm. We attempted to meet Kalinda for a play date at a park one Saturday but got chased inside by rain and ended up hanging at the Billy Beez indoor playground at the Oakridge mall. The girls did have a blast there. It's always hard to say goodbye when it's time to go home.

The January book club meeting featuring tacos, St Germain sangria and lots of brownies, cookies and toffee was a great success.

We got to have lunch and dinner with our friend Mark while he was in town for work and also meet his sister Lynn, which was fun.

I joined the JCC, which I am loving so far. They have a great class schedule, and I have done yoga, pilates/yoga fusion, step, interval, and core blast classes. Doing step again is a blast from the past; I hadn't taken a step class in forever. I still need to try the dance/zumba, bodypump and other classes. I've been doing stronglifts again, and also started taking Valerie to the indoor pool once a week to play, which she loves. I'm planning to enroll her in swim lessons for March and April, which I am hopeful will help her gain confidence in the water. As it is she clings to me even in two feet of water. I think she will get a lot out of lessons.

We found that the orange tree in our backyard was producing incredibly delicious, tart, juicy oranges and enjoyed eating those while they lasted. A lot of the flowers in our yard and around the neighborhood also started blooming thanks to all the rain. The seasons are so different here, with some plants and trees going dormant and shedding leaves for the winter, and others blooming and looking the most radiant.

the peonies (?) in our front yard are gorgeous!

 

this tree on our street was ablaze with bright yellow blooms for a while, really striking.

 Valerie's obsession with all flowers and plant life continues, and her great love is for dandelions. She loves the yellow ones and the fluffy white "seed head" ones as well. Our walks to school are extended due to stopping to look at, pluck, touch and play with all the dandelions we see along our route. She also likes to tell me she's going to give this or that dandelion to whoever she is thinking about that day. Most often she's "going to give this dandelion to Caiya (her friend at school) or Kalinda" but sometimes it's one of her cousins or friends from Cincinnati.

She loves all flowers, but I won't let her pluck the actual flowers from people's yards, so it makes sense that she loves being allowed to pluck dandelions. She also collects clover and other flowering weeds, sticks, leaves, fallen blooms, and anything else that looks interesting, before immediately discarding and then stomping on whatever she has discarded.

a dandelion to give to Kalinda

We enjoyed lots of family movie nights this winter when we were stuck in the house after dark. Since we only have a small love seat in front of the TV, Rich had the brilliant idea to construct "mega couch" by putting 4 dining chairs in front of the love seat for our feet and using blankets to hold it all together. It has the feel of being all snuggled up together in a cozy blanket fort, and is best with his special recipe for stove-popped popcorn with herbs or truffle oil. 

mega couch!

We completed Disney boot camp, which entailed watching all the Disney animated movies from the library so Valerie would know the characters when we went to Disneyland at the end of February. Some of the ones we watched all together on mega couch were Inside Out, Ratatouille, Toy Story and Tangled. It's so much fun being able to watch movies together as a family. Always a good option when it's dark and/or cold outside!

 Valerie also enjoys taking her baby doll - who, she insists, is named "Baby" - just Baby!! - on walks to the park. She assures me she has packed snacks in the stroller in case baby gets hungry.

We survived January and look forward to spring; each day is a little lighter than the one before!

Valerie at age 3

A Snapshot of Valerie's Favorite Things in January 2016

Valerie is totally obsessed with Alice in Wonderland and would prefer to watch it on an endless loop. She asks lots of questions about it. "Does the Cheshire cat live in the dark hole in the tree? He has pink and purple stripes."
Do you love the Cheshire cat?
Yeah.

"What does the Caterpillar say?"

"What's the lady in the purple dress's name?" (Alice's sister)

"But but but but but but but -  the rabbit says that."

"Allison's cat's name is Diamond." (She sometimes calls Alice Allison)
No, it's Dinah.
No, Diamond!
It's Dinah.
No, DIAMOND!
Okay. Sure.

"Who's the other one at the tea party with the March Hare?"
"The Mad Hatter."
"The Mad Hatter and the March Hare gave Alice a birthday cake!"

"The cards are painting the roses red."

"Why is Alice crying?"

She also loves to say "What nonsense!" or "Ponsense!" or other versions of nonsense.

Another phrase she's picked up is "Stop kidding me, Mom/Daddy!" with a wave of her hand. We are not sure where that came from.

Her newest favorite food is the bell pepper. Preferably orange or yellow but will devour any color and keep asking for more. She also loves apples, carrots, sweet potatoes, freezer waffles, pancakes, bread, pizza, PB&J, and of course, fruit snacks and M&Ms are still the center of her existence. She'd live on carbs if you let her, but also likes chicken nuggets or fish sticks with plenty of ketchup, sausage, shrimp, and salmon.

She still goes to bed like a dream and sleeps like a champion, sometimes until 8:15-8:30 am. She still sleeps with her binky (pacifier) every night and we are dreading taking it away and messing with her amazing sleep habits.

She LOVES books. She loves being read to, and also "reading" books herself. If it's a book she's read before, she'll try and recite it from memory as best she can, and make up words to fill in what she can't recall. She will make up a story for any book she can find, including adult books with no pictures. She knows all her numbers and letters and can spell her own name, but can't sound out words very well yet. She often asks how to spell things.

She loves flowers and plants in general. I told her she can't pick flowers or leaves off of plants, but she can smell and touch them gently. Every day on our walk to school, she stops to pick a weed, or leaf, or some kind of plant to give to me or one of her teachers. She calls dandelions "sunflowers" (even after I told her they are called dandelions. She insisted that no, they are sunflowers) and loves those the most, since she is allowed to pluck them. We are anxiously awaiting spring, when we will see more flowers on our way to school.

She likes dinosaurs and pronounces T Rex "teerix" which never fails to crack me up. Her main concern is what do dinosaurs eat? And she has told me that the dinosaurs are dead. I don't think she quite grasps what that means.

Other things she loves:
her baby doll, which she named Caiya after her friend at school
puppies
cats
Cinderella
ballerinas
anything princess related
anything sparkly or pink, or brightly colored
Halloween
Christmas
her birthday
blowing out candles
the beach
being upside-down
having her nails painted
stickers
presents
sprinkles
cake/cupcakes, though she will only lick the frosting off the top.
trains
block towers
lip gloss
bubbles
balloons
splashing in puddles
the zoo
pretty much everything in life

We asked her if she would rather have a puppy or a baby sister/brother, and she chose a puppy. Sorry kid.

She misses her friends from home and her cousins a whole lot and asks about them all the time. She asks every day if it is summer yet, so she can play with Sophie, Hannah and Harper. She also wants to move to "Indy-apolis" and live with cousin Carter. You can tell she loves Mommy and Daddy though. She's in a pretty big Daddy phase right now - totally crazy about Daddy, since he is the most fun to play with. But she also loves Mommy, and we get to read lots of books and snuggle together. She finally started saying "I love you" without being prompted, which is amazing.

Her first year as a baby seemed like it would never end. I felt like I would be the mother of a baby forEVER. But time seems to be speeding up now and I can hardly believe she is 3 and such a big girl. When people would tell me to enjoy that first year, "the time goes by so fast," I couldn't believe them, it was dragging by so painfully. But now it really is flying and suddenly I believe that she is going to grow up into a teenager and an adult one day. Some days she looks so grown up it makes me want to cry. I'm trying to hold onto the sweet toddler moments while they last.

Although we have our challenges, tantrums, and plenty of frustrating days, she grows more fun and sweet every day. I love getting to know her more and more as her verbal skills improve and am so looking forward to what this year will bring.

Oktoberfest 2015

We had such a fun weekend! A nice recovery from last weekend's hiking debacle. We started out by checking out the free movie in Downtown Menlo Park on the Chestnut Paseo on Friday evening, which was Big Hero 6. Rich and I had seen it before, and we knew it would be a little scary for Valerie, but we figured she could handle it. She did great! When she got scared we told her to look away and cuddle up with Daddy.

We brought camping chairs, blankets, popcorn and candy, and it was the perfect Friday night family activity. We're planning to go back again this Friday for the last movie in the series, Cinderella.

She was cracking us up on the way home from the movie. She kept interrupting us and saying, "Stop talking Mommy and Daddy! I have a question about Baymax" (the robot from the movie).

"Okay, what's your question?"
"What does... he... do... like... save the day." Every time she would say, "I have a question about Baymax" and we would ask, "okay, what's your question?" And she would make some vague statement. We tried to turn it around by asking her questions: "Is Baymax nice, or scary? Who programmed Baymax? Who is Tadashi?"

In spite of the scary parts, she loved getting to watch a movie with Mommy and Daddy while eating a lollipop. It's so much fun for us to finally be able to watch a movie all together! We'll have to take her to a real theater soon... maybe when Frozen 2 comes out.

Okay, I just googled Frozen 2, and apparently it's not coming out before 2018. We'll probably go see a movie before that.

Saturday morning we took turns getting our workouts in (Rich at the Stanford gym, me at Core Studio) and I made a quick trip to the Palo Alto Farmer's Market for fresh bread, fruit, herbs, fish, avocados and some rosemary almond butter (yum!!).

After a relaxing afternoon and some naps, we got ready for the Redwood City Oktoberfest. We love Oktoberfest in Cincinnati, where there are so many free events around the city every weekend through September and October, and we knew we wanted to find an Oktoberfest in the bay area this year. The big one is in San Francisco next weekend, but it's fairly expensive ($30/person) and we would need a babysitter for the evening one. We'd need a sitter for the daytime one, too, if we wanted Valerie to get her nap that day, but we really wanted to bring her if we could. She loves the music and dancing, and sausages. Redwood City is closer, cheaper, and allows kids, so we decided to go to that one.

don't miss the balloon beer hat on the woman on the left.

We fortunately purchased our tickets earlier in the week because the event was sold out when we arrived. A few of our biodesign friends were planning to meet us there, but hadn't bought tickets in time, so we were bummed about that. We waited in a long line to get our 1-liter steins and bracelets at the entrance, and then got in the beer line. Lots of waiting in the hot sun, but it was worth it! We really had a great time and were impressed by the solid glass beer steins that came with admission. I was expecting something cheap and plastic. There was live music and a few dancing shows, log sawing, and an open dance floor, which Valerie TORE UP.

She is becoming a maniac on the dance floor lately and I LOVE IT. We have dance parties at home all the time now. We'll definitely have to get her in dance classes in the next couple of years.

She was the star of the show. A photographer wanted some pictures and video of her dancing and had us sign a waiver (so maybe we will see these pictures sometime?), and lots of people commented on how adorable she was dancing in her German girl costume, which was actually a Little Red Riding Hood costume I found on Amazon. We left the hooded cape at home, but were not spared the red glitter on the skirt that got everywhere.

The beer was cold, the pretzel covered with havarti was the size of my torso, the music was loud (a bit too loud... my ears were ringing when we left), and Rich convinced me to participate in the women's stein-holding contest at the end - in which I made an impressive (for me) showing! I was one of the last 3 or 4 women standing, and the winner was crowned just a few seconds after my arm gave out. I felt pretty proud of myself. Rich tried to be in the men's stein-holding contest that followed, but he was too slow - all the men wanted to volunteer and they only allowed ten. At that point, Valerie was starting to melt down anyway so we made a hasty exit.

By then it had cooled off and felt wonderful outside. We put the top down on our new (to us) convertible and enjoyed a refreshing ride home in the evening breeze. Such a fun and memorable Oktoberfest this year!

Sunday morning I was inspired to make waffles, and Rich had the brilliant idea to top his with almond butter and nutella. I took it even further by adding some of the fresh strawberries from the farmer's market to mine - YUM! There's a whole post about the waffles on my new blog at Wordpress, LizZestLife - check it out!

I have the best waffle helper!

waffles topped with almond butter, nutella, and fresh strawberries - YEP

Our friends Brett and Ali came over for lunch and Valerie got to meet their 5-month-old daughter Amanda, which was really the cutest thing ever.

We had the loveliest afternoon catching up with them in the backyard even though it was blazing hot outside. We sat in the shade and brought a fan out to keep the air moving so it wasn't too brutal. I am so ready for some of this "not scorching" California weather that I have been promised! "You don't need A/C in the bay area," they said. "It doesn't get that hot here," they said. "You won't be sweating to death in your house for six weeks." LIES.

We had sandwiches with the fresh bread and ingredients from the farmer's market, along with tuna salad and truffle mayo that I made, and of course Sunday Funday style beverages.

Valerie and Amanda timed their naps perfectly so the parents could eat lunch in peace, and we bonded over our shared misfortune that in both our houses, the closet rods are hung too close to the shelves above for hanger clearance. An incredibly frustrating problem I never even knew existed! But we are not alone! There are others out there suffering with us! Seriously, who hangs the closet rods too close to the shelves above?!? Combined with an already too-small closet, this makes the hanging of clothes a hellish task.

Anyway, we had a blast with Brett, Ali and Amanda, and a quiet evening at home Sunday night since Rich had work to do. It was so hot in the house I decided something deliciously ice cold would be necessary.

It was a great weekend of family, friends, tasty treats, dancing and relaxation despite the heat. Next weekend's forecast is a refreshing high of 80 degrees. Bring. It. On!!!!

The Newborn Daze

Several of my friends and facebook friends have brought new babies home in the past few months, and I am so happy and excited for them, as well as sympathetic.
I can vaguely recall the days when I too had a newborn. I didn't blog at that time. I think I was in too much of a sleep-deprived fog to put any coherent sentences together. It's the sleep deprivation that makes that time so hard, as well as hazy in my memory. Those first few months at home with your new baby fly by in a blur, although when it's happening, each minute crawls by like an injured snail. At least, that's how it was for me.
I remember wishing for each day to pass, for my baby to get a little bigger, a little stronger, to get on a sleeping and eating schedule... and for sleep. Please just let me sleep, baby!! I can't go on another minute without sleep!

fresh out the womb and ready to party

Valerie wasn't the easiest baby, although don't get me wrong, she wasn't the most difficult either. She didn't have full blown colic or any serious health issues, so I really should not complain, but I will.

#babyproblems

She cried a lot, spit up a lot, utterly failed to breastfeed and did not crack a smile until she was 12 weeks old.  Those first 12 weeks were a slog.

her first smile!!!!

The thing I dreaded most about becoming a parent before I became one was diapers. Cleaning up baby poop!?! Gross! But I quickly learned that diapers are nothing. Oh my god, so easy. Bring on the diapers. What I should have known was that feeding a new baby is the real horror. They have to eat ALL THE TIME!!! Are they eating enough? How do you tell when they're full, or hungry? Is it normal to spit up this much? Oh the agony of spending 20 minutes pumping and cleaning parts only to watch your baby spit it all right back up.

Breastfeeding was the absolute worst. My baby never latched, and my milk supply was insufficient. I got to enjoy 6 months of pumping milk which was nowhere near enough to exclusively feed with, so I also got to enjoy buying lots of formula - but not just any formula - special formula to reduce spit up because this child would keep down maybe 60% of her intake. So. Much. Mess. Those first few months were a constant deluge of bodily fluids. Mainly breast milk and spit-up, with the occasional hint of pee and poop just to mix it up. We had to always keep rags handy to clean up the imminent mess.


Pumping is the pits. I felt isolated, stressed out trying to rush through every pumping session before she would start crying again, and for what? Maybe two ounces of milk that would soon be converted to spit-up I'd be wiping off my couch. In hindsight I definitely should not have kept pumping as long as I did. So much wasted time and energy. So many bottles and parts to clean.

I longed for the day she would eat solid food. I longed for so many things. When would she hold her head up? Smile? Laugh? Roll over? Sit up by herself? Crawl? Pull up to standing? Walk? Talk? Just become a person already, you useless bundle of needs! At least smile at me! Can't you see I'm doing it all for you... just a little appreciation would be nice!

throw me a frickin' bone here!

But, babies are not known for appreciating all their moms go through. Not only are you completely preoccupied with meeting your baby's needs, you have your own physical recovery to manage, all while not sleeping. You're still carrying around some extra pregnancy pounds. The good news is, pregnancy is so miserable that the postpartum situation feels like a revelation. I felt so much better after giving birth than I did pregnant that I walked around in a cloud of happiness, delighted to not be pregnant anymore. I can lay on my back! I can get comfortable! No more shooting pains in my hips and legs! I have ankles again! I can walk! If my baby would just get it together, I could sleep, too!

I have to give it to moms who give birth by Caesarian section. That recovery is SO much worse and I honestly don't know how they feed and care for their babies while healing from being split open. Just give them all capes because they are super women.

I was lucky enough to have an easy breezy physical recovery which allowed me to focus all my complaining energy on breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and the overall stress of caring for a newborn. It's hard times. You hear a lot of people saying how much they love their babies, and they do. I loved my baby, even then, I really did. But the real truth is nobody likes the newborn stage. Does anyone? Really? Some people say they do.  They love to cuddle those tiny, innocent little bundles. Sure, I love to cuddle my friends' sweet new bundles. I liked cuddling my own bundle, but I mostly just remember wanting to put her down so I could take a nap.

I'm sure it is a totally different experience when breastfeeding goes smoothly, and you have a happy baby who digests all his milk. Someone has written that blog, I'm sure. This is not that blog.

But one day, you wake up, and your child is maybe 15-18 months old. She's sleeping through the night, walking (the early walking is my absolute favorite!! Those wobbly little baby legs... ), saying a few words, eating solid foods and never spitting up. She gives you hugs and kisses and makes you laugh with her emerging personality. Newborn hell is a distant, fuzzy memory. You can barely even remember the nightmare of pumping, bottle washing, spit up laundry, extreme fatigue, and unexplained crying. You have MADE IT!!!

Don't get too excited, it's not all rainbows and unicorns. She still needs you to do most everything for her. You dress and undress her, change her diapers, make and clean up her meals, bathe her and groom her. But when she's crying, she can tell you why. She can tell you when she's hungry or full. And most importantly, she can tell you she loves you.

how time flies

So, to my friends with new babies, this is me saying I love you, and I feel you. Unless you're one of those weirdos with an easy baby and you love every minute of these newborn days, then I don't feel you, but I'm happy for you. Either way, squeeze that little baby tight, for tomorrow she will be all grown up!

The days are long, but the years are short.

First Words

This is the most exciting time in a mom's life.  Well. So far.  For me. My daughter will be 17 months old this Friday.  What's so exciting at 17 months? WORDS. Communication. Talking!!!

There is absolutely nothing like hearing real actual words come out of your baby's mouth.  It is the cutest and most miraculous sound in the world. It starts gradually and it's hard to put your finger on the exact moment it starts.  For Valerie, it started with animal sounds. Specifically, moo. The first thing she ever said that meant something was while looking at pictures of cows, toy cows and her stuffed cow.  It was a really energetic shout when you asked her what a cow says: "Boooooooo!"

I'm not counting moo as her first word though since I'm not sure it's technically a word. Looking back, I am going to say that Valerie's first real word was bye-bye, although I wasn't there the first time she said it.  We heard from her teachers at school one day that she had said bye-bye to one of them. It wasn't long before we heard it for ourselves! After over a year of babbling and nonsense syllables... to get a real word response was so amazing. Even just to have a word parroted back to you for the first time! Amazing.

I started writing down the words she knew as I figured them out to get an idea of how many there were. There were maybe 10 animal sounds, 10 real words and 5-10 signs when I first started keeping track. She likes signing a lot.  She uses the signs for baby, mama, daddy, dog, eat, more, ball, milk, please and flower all the time. She can say baby, mama, daddy, and ball as well, but she doesn't say eat, more, milk, please or flower yet.  Kind of interesting. I'm not exactly sure why some of the words and signs go together so easily and others she only signs.

It's absolutely fascinating to watch her learn at this age. Every day is some new discovery, for her and for us as her parents. It's a means for her personality to emerge, bit by bit, like seeing the light come on inside. When she wakes up in the morning, sometimes she will recite some of her words.  "Mama, daddy, huff-huff (dog), all done!"

She LOVES babies and dogs. We do not have either in our house (besides her) but she goes bananas whenever she sees one. Dogs she prefers in theory or at a distance. When they come very close sometimes they are a little scary, although she warms up over time. Babies are another story. She loves to grab and kiss babies repeatedly if given the opportunity. She likes kids her age and older, too, but her favorites are the littlest babies.  She vigorously makes the sign for baby, rocking her arms back and forth, and has gotten pretty good at saying "beebee." It started out as "ba" at first, then baba, and now beebee.

One of her funniest quirks is cat.  According to Valerie, instead of meow, cats say "aieee!" We keep teaching meow and at some point she will learn to say meow but I hope it doesn't happen too soon. It cracks me up when she chases my mom's cat saying "aieeee!"

Apple was a fun one the first time she said it. I was feeding her applesauce at dinner and said, "Ap-ple," very deliberately. And she said it back! "Ap-ple."  It was the first time I ever heard her repeat back a word to me so purposefully. I teared up I was so surprised and excited.

She finally, FINALLY learned my favorite word in the past few weeks.  The most beautiful word there is to come out of your baby's mouth: "Mama." Now it's one of her favorites.  When she comes home from school she says mama, mama, mama, mama until she finds me. Then she quickly moves on to gagoo (cracker), gagoo, gagoo, gagoo..... as in, get me a snack mama. Mama is still pretty much chopped liver.  But I will take it! It felt like so long I waited for her to say that one. I still fill up with sunshine every time she says it.

This morning when I was getting her ready for school she was being so sweet, her usual sunny morning self. She was laying on her changing pad and I sang her a good morning song and kicked her legs around to the beat.  She loved it.  She gave me a huge smile and a reverent, "Mommm-myyyy."
 I could not stop smiling all day, thinking of that sweet smile and that "mommmmyyy."  She ADORED her mama in that moment. I could have cried.

These are the days, friends. These are the days of our lives. These are the moments to remember.

A Salute to Single Parents and People with a Long Commute

Single parents of the world, if I could give all of you a two week vacation to a tropical island resort, I would, because you deserve a break.  I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful husband to share the work of parenting with and I still yearn for a tropical vacation approximately 27-28 times an hour on any given day (quadruple that in the winter).

I have extra appreciation for single parents this week because Rich had to go out of town for work for 5 days and I am on day 4 of "single momming it." It's actually gone pretty well. I am managing just fine.
I've even enjoyed my time with Valerie more than I expected this week.  We've had some sweet morning snuggles and some fun moments that probably wouldn't have happened if dad was here.

But she is also entering a SUPER fun phase of being SUPER whiny and clingy. When we're home she wants to be held all the time and will loudly whine and carry on if she's not being properly catered to. And her demands can be challenging to meet if one needs to, say, make dinner, or take off one's coat.

We get home around 6-6:30 every evening and she's already starving for dinner, so I immediately try to distract her so I can quickly heat up/cut up some dinner for her. Meanwhile she's whining and moaning at my feet to pick her up and take her over to the fridge so she can point to the pictures of babies on the fridge.  Her demands are really pretty simple.  "I don't know why you can't just stop what you're doing and help me look at my baby friends on the fridge Mom! and by the way I'M STARVING WHERE IS MY DINNER WOMAN!?!?"

Then, there's dinner, which I have to admit is getting faster and better every day. Two words that usually describe her eating dinner are slow and messy. But she is actually improving in both these areas. The past two nights she's eaten really good dinners, not taken forever, and not thrown excessive handfuls of food on the floor. So, fantastic progress there.

Evenings can be a bear and they are a lot less fun by myself than with Rich's help.  When we're both home, we take turns picking her up from school (and enduring the sometimes fussy/trafficky drive home), and then one of us can play with her while the other gets dinner ready and we can coach her through dinner together, and then one of us can put her to bed while the other cleans up.

Alone, I get to leave work, drive to her school, pick her up and try to entertain her while battling traffic, make dinner, listen to whining, watch her eat, put her to bed and then clean up. Thank god she's asleep by 7:30-8 because that is an exhausting two hours after a full day of work.

Mornings are not so bad. She's pretty cheerful and cute in the morning (once she gets her bottle!!!  It's like the toddler equivalent of coffee.  DO NOT talk to her til she's sucked down 8 oz of milk in one go).

The worst part about single mom mornings is the extra driving.  Rich usually does the morning daycare drop-off because it's close to his work. It's completely out of the way for me. We live 7 minutes away from my work, but when I have to drop her off first, it takes closer to 30-40 minutes.  And I really, really hate driving in traffic.

Here I will admit that I am terribly spoiled by my 7 minute commute.  It's the BEST FRICKIN THING EVER. It makes me crabby to have to spend 80 minutes of my day driving rather than 14. I realize some people have far longer commutes than this.  Like one or even two hours each way.  I would recommend dramatic life changes for those people... if it were me.  I could not cope with such a long commute every day. Way too much time lost. If it's a driving commute, that is.  A bus or train commute where you can take a nap, work or surf the web is a different animal. That's not so bad.  But driving for more than an hour a day every day would seriously downgrade my standard happiness quotient.

So, single parents and people with long commutes...and, lord have mercy, people who are both(!!!!)... I salute you, brave citizens. I have nearly survived my 5 days of single parenting and extra driving and I can't wait to get back into my spoiled working mom routine where I have tons of help. Hopefully this experience will help me to properly appreciate how easy I have it.

It's a good life. Reading back through this, it sounds like a pretty dreary daily routine, but I honestly feel like I have it all. Family and work and friends and great health... My daughter is healthy and growing and turning into an awesome little person.  It's a lot of work, but she also brings us so much joy. I get to spend my days with people I love and people I laugh with and pretty soon there will be drinking on patios too.  It doesn't get any better than that!

I wouldn't keep you little

A lot of parents say they wish they could keep their babies little forever.  I'm not one of those parents. While I adore my now-14-month-old "little baby" who's quickly toddling her way to toddler status, I never for a moment wish to go back to when she was a tiny, inert lump, which newborns are.

Don't get me wrong, she was a cute lump, but honestly there is nothing about that stage that I miss. She didn't smile for the first time until she was about 12 weeks old and it was a LOOOOOONG 12 weeks waiting for that smile. When you put so much time, blood, sweat and milk into caring for a completely helpless human, the least you want in return is a little love and they can't give it yet.

People who say they wish they could keep their babies little are probably referring to the smiling, sitting-up stage around 5-8 months. Babies definitely get cuter around this age as they fatten up and lose their smushed alien newborn look. But I wouldn't go back to this stage either, cute as it was. Valerie wanted to go places and reach for things but she couldn't crawl yet. It was frustrating for her to wiggle on her hands and knees trying and failing to get anywhere. And of course she still really could not communicate at all except by crying or smiling.

Each age for me has been more fun than the last. Every tiny step toward personhood is a victory. Every new development lets a baby show you her personality, her love, her curiosity; every gain in physical strength lets her explore and discover the world around her and you begin to see who she will be. This is so much greater to me than an adorable but impenetrable creature who is impossible to interact with.

Every day my struggle is to enjoy her as she is now and not wish away the day, hoping that tomorrow will be the day she finally says "mama" or uses a spoon to eat. Every time she makes the next big leap in development there's another one right behind it that she can't do yet.

She is new to walking and getting steadier every day and I can't lie, seeing her walk on her own feet fills me with joy every time. And not just because she's so hilariously and adorably wobbly.

I can't imagine seeing her toddling around the backyard pointing at everything she sees and wishing she was a tiny baby again.  Nothing is more thrilling than seeing her grow into an upright, capable person.

I sing songs to Valerie all the time now. Her eyes absolutely light up whenever she hears one of her favorite songs. Keep in mind I can't carry a tune to save my life. I'm still trying to learn the words to the animal sounds song even though I've heard it about a million times (that one is her absolute favorite). But she loves it when I sing and smiles and claps for more. I'm sure she will soon be demanding that I never sing again and I don't want to be singing the ABCs 10 times a day forever, but tonight I was trying to remember the words to "Baby Beluga" and "Down by the Bay" on the way home and actually really enjoying myself.  Anyone having a rough day should try singing their favorite kid's song to a toddler who listens, entranced. One of those mom moments you never anticipated loving, but there it is.

Today was a pretty successful one in the ongoing struggle to enjoy the moment. It is getting easier. All I have to do is ask, "what does a chicken say?"  and the tiny answer, "cuck cuck," climbs inside my heart and fills it to the brim til I can't imagine loving her any more. 

This is my experience of being a mom so far: getting to watch this brand new person meet herself as she gradually becomes aware that she exists. I have no idea what tomorrow holds but my little girl will be a little older, a little stronger, and a little more aware than she was today, and I will be there to see it.

I have an image of her in my mind, wearing a backpack, her hair in pigtails, getting on the school bus by herself. Off to school she goes!  I love to imagine her like this, old enough to tell me about her day, ask questions, surprise me and make me laugh with the things she says.

I know that day is coming faster than I realize and I can hardly wait.

My birth story

Here the blog takes a more personal turn from the recipes and creative topics that came before today. I've been wanting to record my birth story ever since I've had a birth story to share and now going on 14 months since I gave birth, I'm finally getting around to it.

I came to love hearing other women's birth experiences when I was pregnant.  They are all unique and so personal. And giving birth is so intense it's hard to convey what it's really like to others.  I'm sure there is a lot I've forgotten in the 14 months that have passed but I will try to remember as well as I can. Get comfy because this story pretty much goes on forever.

In the first trimester of pregnancy, in the throes of 24/7 nausea, giving birth was not remotely on my radar. It was in the second trimester, when my belly started to grow big and round, that it started to dawn on me that this baby was going to eventually need to escape and I better give that some consideration. I took my usual approach and reserved a selection of books from the library to read on the topic. Some of the books I read were:

1. HypnoBirthing:The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing
2. Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering: A Doctor's Guide to Natural Childbirth and Gentle Early Parenting Choices
3. Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience
4. Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds

You have probably by now picked up on my crunchiness and desire to have a natural birth.
If you want to read about saving the placenta in a velvet bag until it falls off naturally and breastfeeding until the child is 7, check out the second book - WHEW that one promotes some seriously alternative, some might say "fringe," parenting choices. No judging here. (!)

I heard so many birth stories during my pregnancy that started with a desire for natural birth and ended in C-section and I was feeling very discouraged, but researching birth helped me to feel like I understood what was going to happen and while I wouldn't ultimately be able to control the outcome, I could at least be informed about my choices. Some of what I read was empowering and I even looked forward to giving birth, although let's be honest, mostly because giving birth meant I would no longer be pregnant, glory hallelujah.

As the weeks ticked by, I hoped I would go into labor naturally. I started having contractions (very minor ones) a couple weeks before my due date, December 24th, which was very encouraging. I even enjoyed the contractions when they came- they mostly just felt like a warm sensation in my back. They started coming at regular intervals a few days after my due date, and I was so excited, I sat at my desk at work and wrote down the times of each one, about 7-9 minutes apart. They went away and returned a few times over the next few days and they got stronger. I felt buoyant at the signs I would really go into labor on my own. And by buoyant, I mean I was so miserable, huge, exhausted, uncomfortable and desperate to get.this.baby.out of me that just the hint that the end was near was all I could grasp at to get me through.

My last day at work was Friday December 28th, 4 days past my due date, and I knew it would be the last. I was having strong contractions all day and knew there was no way I would be returning on January 2nd, the next workday. I could tell my body was finally getting ready. It was nearly go time. I barely managed to waddle out to my car in the snow with all my stuff at the end of the day, ready for my 12 weeks off.

The next day I was at a friend's house catching up with some girlfriends when my water broke around 3 pm. "Well you guys I'm pretty sure my water just broke.  ...Yep. It definitely did.  I guess I better head home soon."

I planned to wait at home as long as possible before going into the hospital where the timer would start (t minus 24 hours until they would take the baby) so we settled in for an evening at home managing contractions, which quickly got stronger and stronger with the water broken. They went from a warm sensation to a feeling of pressure in my back to an incredibly intense pressure unlike anything else I have felt. Labor pain isn't pain like being cut or wounded, but rather, for me at least, it was a really strong pressure.  The only word that really describes it for me is intense. The pressure builds to such an intensity that it's hardly bearable.

I sat on a beach towel on the couch (anything less was inadequate for the "water" which continued to break) watching TV and wondering if I would make it without an epidural. I have absolutely no idea what was on TV. It was getting seriously intense and I seriously doubted my resolve to go natural. Finally we called the doctor to let him know I was in labor and we should probably come in. I packed my bag and around 11 pm we went out to the car.

It wasn't a fun car ride, trying to breathe through contractions and hanging on tightly to the car, hitting what felt like epic potholes and bumps, but we only live about 10 minutes from the hospital and at 11 pm traffic was light. 

It was late Saturday night, two nights before New Year's Eve, and the labor and delivery floor was a ghost town. I felt like I had the place to myself. The very kind nurses who checked me in and gave me a hospital gown coached me to breathe through my contractions and were very supportive of my wish to have a natural birth. I was so reassured by their presence. At check-in they found I was 5 centimeters dilated and the doctor said he expected we'd have a baby on our hands early in the morning, in 5 or 6 hours. Music to my ears.

We settled into our room and attempted to rest, if not sleep, through the night. I nodded off briefly between contractions and tried my hardest to relax and breathe through them. Finally, finally morning came, and I had made it to 8-9 cm. 10 centimeters is the magic number when it's time to push the baby out. So close. Just wait to feel the urge to push, the doctor said. Ok. I'm ready.  It was around 8 am. Come on urge to push, let's do this!!!!! But I did not feel an urge to push.

I snacked on some nuts and granola and drank pregnancy tea. Being able to eat and drink is a lovely perk of natural birth, although I wasn't terribly hungry. And we tried everything I had read about to get labor going. We walked and walked around the halls. I stopped and leaned on the wall when a contraction came and Rich pushed on my lower back to counteract the pressure.

We had a lavender scented neck warmer that could be heated up in a microwave which I used on my back - counterpressure and heat were the only things that I found really helped.

I tried sitting on the exercise ball.

I paced around the room....and as the hours ticked by I started to panic. This was not good. Lunchtime was coming and we should have a baby by now. Why don't I have the urge to push? The nurses gave us the afternoon to keep trying to get things going but the 4 pm deadline loomed and I didn't have a good feeling about this.

Sure enough 4 and 5 pm came and went and the urge to push never did.  I cried. I had made it so far on the "natural" plan - no pitocin, no epidural - but I knew I would have to get hooked up to the IV and get pitocin to increase my contractions and try to reach 10 cm. The doctor said we have no choice at this point. I had been stalled at 9 cm for about 8 hours.

I had read enough labor books to know that a labor with pitocin is exponentially harder to endure than natural contractions.  I had been able to breathe through and manage mine.

But at 5 pm the pitocin drip started and within the hour I was out of my mind, unable to bear the unrelenting contractions. I couldn't breathe through them or sit still or fathom another minute. I whispered to Rich, "epidural."

They called the epidural guy, and luckily since the floor was so quiet he came quickly. This man was pure speed and professionalism. At 6, he set up his tools lightning fast and went to work. The nurse held my arms in her arms, pulling me forward to try and anchor me still so he could make his incision. I wasn't capable of holding myself still through the pain. I was hardly aware of him working behind me; I was too overwhelmed with contractions.

But then the amazing, amazing medicine worked its magic and the contractions stopped.  At least as far as I could tell. They continued just the same, but I could no longer feel them and I nearly passed out with relief. I rested for the next 2 hours in blissful epidural calm while the pitocin did its work.

And around 8 pm, the doctor returned and declared I was ready to push. He swung a huge mirror down from the ceiling so I could see... what I would be doing. I had heard about this mirror and thought I would decline using it. But the doctor didn't ask first, he just busted it out, and there I was, in stadium-style lighting. It was horrifying, but I have to admit it was helpful to see what I was working toward, so I'd use it again.

I didn't have enough feeling internally to do any real "pushing" with the epidural still in effect, but it was quickly wearing off. I was starting to feel contractions again, which at this point was helpful (and they were MUCH reduced from before). I crunched up and pushed from the top, pushing down on the top of my belly with my hands, and trying to squeeze the baby out from the top. This actually worked shockingly well.

After 10 minutes and several rounds of focused pushing during contractions, there she was. First her head, then her shoulders. My baby girl. The doctor hooked his fingers under her armpits and pulled her out, with her squishy face and all her black hair. I have never felt such a tremendous physical relief as the moment she was born. It was hard to believe she was only 7 pounds because I felt a hundred pounds lighter as all the pressure released from my pelvis.

The epidural was mostly worn off and I had sensation back by then. The moments after she was born were a blur. I saw the placenta make its exit and asked the nurses to please aim the mirror somewhere else, I was all set with that view.

They gave her to me to hold and I was so overwhelmed with emotions and relief and physical feelings and crying and happy. I'm your mama! You are my baby! I'm somebody's mama now, and my baby is here, breathing her first breaths, alive for the first moments.  I couldn't even comprehend all that at the time, I was just trying to catch my breath. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from the 30 hours of labor since my water broke, long long ago, yesterday afternoon.  But so happy. We did it. She's here!

One of my favorite moments was seeing Rich holding her for the first time and falling in love with her. He glowed and it was so beautiful. He'd seen her on the ultrasound before but this was real, for the first time, he was really a dad now and holding his baby girl in his arms. I loved them both so much and I was proud of myself for bringing her into the world.

Every mom should be proud of her journey, whatever it holds. At home or in a hospital, labor induced or begun on its own, with or without medical interventions, chosen or not chosen. We all have our own paths to motherhood and each is unique and beautiful in its own way. My journey didn't go exactly the way I hoped but sometimes the failures make it even more beautiful.

I don't know if anyone will get anything useful from my story but I think all women should feel free to share their birth experiences. I can't even imagine being a mom without leaning on my own mom, my friends and other moms for advice and support, and I hope they know they can lean on me too.  We're all in this together and learning from each other. 

And I think that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day!