The Newborn Daze

Several of my friends and facebook friends have brought new babies home in the past few months, and I am so happy and excited for them, as well as sympathetic.
I can vaguely recall the days when I too had a newborn. I didn't blog at that time. I think I was in too much of a sleep-deprived fog to put any coherent sentences together. It's the sleep deprivation that makes that time so hard, as well as hazy in my memory. Those first few months at home with your new baby fly by in a blur, although when it's happening, each minute crawls by like an injured snail. At least, that's how it was for me.
I remember wishing for each day to pass, for my baby to get a little bigger, a little stronger, to get on a sleeping and eating schedule... and for sleep. Please just let me sleep, baby!! I can't go on another minute without sleep!

fresh out the womb and ready to party

Valerie wasn't the easiest baby, although don't get me wrong, she wasn't the most difficult either. She didn't have full blown colic or any serious health issues, so I really should not complain, but I will.

#babyproblems

She cried a lot, spit up a lot, utterly failed to breastfeed and did not crack a smile until she was 12 weeks old.  Those first 12 weeks were a slog.

her first smile!!!!

The thing I dreaded most about becoming a parent before I became one was diapers. Cleaning up baby poop!?! Gross! But I quickly learned that diapers are nothing. Oh my god, so easy. Bring on the diapers. What I should have known was that feeding a new baby is the real horror. They have to eat ALL THE TIME!!! Are they eating enough? How do you tell when they're full, or hungry? Is it normal to spit up this much? Oh the agony of spending 20 minutes pumping and cleaning parts only to watch your baby spit it all right back up.

Breastfeeding was the absolute worst. My baby never latched, and my milk supply was insufficient. I got to enjoy 6 months of pumping milk which was nowhere near enough to exclusively feed with, so I also got to enjoy buying lots of formula - but not just any formula - special formula to reduce spit up because this child would keep down maybe 60% of her intake. So. Much. Mess. Those first few months were a constant deluge of bodily fluids. Mainly breast milk and spit-up, with the occasional hint of pee and poop just to mix it up. We had to always keep rags handy to clean up the imminent mess.


Pumping is the pits. I felt isolated, stressed out trying to rush through every pumping session before she would start crying again, and for what? Maybe two ounces of milk that would soon be converted to spit-up I'd be wiping off my couch. In hindsight I definitely should not have kept pumping as long as I did. So much wasted time and energy. So many bottles and parts to clean.

I longed for the day she would eat solid food. I longed for so many things. When would she hold her head up? Smile? Laugh? Roll over? Sit up by herself? Crawl? Pull up to standing? Walk? Talk? Just become a person already, you useless bundle of needs! At least smile at me! Can't you see I'm doing it all for you... just a little appreciation would be nice!

throw me a frickin' bone here!

But, babies are not known for appreciating all their moms go through. Not only are you completely preoccupied with meeting your baby's needs, you have your own physical recovery to manage, all while not sleeping. You're still carrying around some extra pregnancy pounds. The good news is, pregnancy is so miserable that the postpartum situation feels like a revelation. I felt so much better after giving birth than I did pregnant that I walked around in a cloud of happiness, delighted to not be pregnant anymore. I can lay on my back! I can get comfortable! No more shooting pains in my hips and legs! I have ankles again! I can walk! If my baby would just get it together, I could sleep, too!

I have to give it to moms who give birth by Caesarian section. That recovery is SO much worse and I honestly don't know how they feed and care for their babies while healing from being split open. Just give them all capes because they are super women.

I was lucky enough to have an easy breezy physical recovery which allowed me to focus all my complaining energy on breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and the overall stress of caring for a newborn. It's hard times. You hear a lot of people saying how much they love their babies, and they do. I loved my baby, even then, I really did. But the real truth is nobody likes the newborn stage. Does anyone? Really? Some people say they do.  They love to cuddle those tiny, innocent little bundles. Sure, I love to cuddle my friends' sweet new bundles. I liked cuddling my own bundle, but I mostly just remember wanting to put her down so I could take a nap.

I'm sure it is a totally different experience when breastfeeding goes smoothly, and you have a happy baby who digests all his milk. Someone has written that blog, I'm sure. This is not that blog.

But one day, you wake up, and your child is maybe 15-18 months old. She's sleeping through the night, walking (the early walking is my absolute favorite!! Those wobbly little baby legs... ), saying a few words, eating solid foods and never spitting up. She gives you hugs and kisses and makes you laugh with her emerging personality. Newborn hell is a distant, fuzzy memory. You can barely even remember the nightmare of pumping, bottle washing, spit up laundry, extreme fatigue, and unexplained crying. You have MADE IT!!!

Don't get too excited, it's not all rainbows and unicorns. She still needs you to do most everything for her. You dress and undress her, change her diapers, make and clean up her meals, bathe her and groom her. But when she's crying, she can tell you why. She can tell you when she's hungry or full. And most importantly, she can tell you she loves you.

how time flies

So, to my friends with new babies, this is me saying I love you, and I feel you. Unless you're one of those weirdos with an easy baby and you love every minute of these newborn days, then I don't feel you, but I'm happy for you. Either way, squeeze that little baby tight, for tomorrow she will be all grown up!

The days are long, but the years are short.

First Words

This is the most exciting time in a mom's life.  Well. So far.  For me. My daughter will be 17 months old this Friday.  What's so exciting at 17 months? WORDS. Communication. Talking!!!

There is absolutely nothing like hearing real actual words come out of your baby's mouth.  It is the cutest and most miraculous sound in the world. It starts gradually and it's hard to put your finger on the exact moment it starts.  For Valerie, it started with animal sounds. Specifically, moo. The first thing she ever said that meant something was while looking at pictures of cows, toy cows and her stuffed cow.  It was a really energetic shout when you asked her what a cow says: "Boooooooo!"

I'm not counting moo as her first word though since I'm not sure it's technically a word. Looking back, I am going to say that Valerie's first real word was bye-bye, although I wasn't there the first time she said it.  We heard from her teachers at school one day that she had said bye-bye to one of them. It wasn't long before we heard it for ourselves! After over a year of babbling and nonsense syllables... to get a real word response was so amazing. Even just to have a word parroted back to you for the first time! Amazing.

I started writing down the words she knew as I figured them out to get an idea of how many there were. There were maybe 10 animal sounds, 10 real words and 5-10 signs when I first started keeping track. She likes signing a lot.  She uses the signs for baby, mama, daddy, dog, eat, more, ball, milk, please and flower all the time. She can say baby, mama, daddy, and ball as well, but she doesn't say eat, more, milk, please or flower yet.  Kind of interesting. I'm not exactly sure why some of the words and signs go together so easily and others she only signs.

It's absolutely fascinating to watch her learn at this age. Every day is some new discovery, for her and for us as her parents. It's a means for her personality to emerge, bit by bit, like seeing the light come on inside. When she wakes up in the morning, sometimes she will recite some of her words.  "Mama, daddy, huff-huff (dog), all done!"

She LOVES babies and dogs. We do not have either in our house (besides her) but she goes bananas whenever she sees one. Dogs she prefers in theory or at a distance. When they come very close sometimes they are a little scary, although she warms up over time. Babies are another story. She loves to grab and kiss babies repeatedly if given the opportunity. She likes kids her age and older, too, but her favorites are the littlest babies.  She vigorously makes the sign for baby, rocking her arms back and forth, and has gotten pretty good at saying "beebee." It started out as "ba" at first, then baba, and now beebee.

One of her funniest quirks is cat.  According to Valerie, instead of meow, cats say "aieee!" We keep teaching meow and at some point she will learn to say meow but I hope it doesn't happen too soon. It cracks me up when she chases my mom's cat saying "aieeee!"

Apple was a fun one the first time she said it. I was feeding her applesauce at dinner and said, "Ap-ple," very deliberately. And she said it back! "Ap-ple."  It was the first time I ever heard her repeat back a word to me so purposefully. I teared up I was so surprised and excited.

She finally, FINALLY learned my favorite word in the past few weeks.  The most beautiful word there is to come out of your baby's mouth: "Mama." Now it's one of her favorites.  When she comes home from school she says mama, mama, mama, mama until she finds me. Then she quickly moves on to gagoo (cracker), gagoo, gagoo, gagoo..... as in, get me a snack mama. Mama is still pretty much chopped liver.  But I will take it! It felt like so long I waited for her to say that one. I still fill up with sunshine every time she says it.

This morning when I was getting her ready for school she was being so sweet, her usual sunny morning self. She was laying on her changing pad and I sang her a good morning song and kicked her legs around to the beat.  She loved it.  She gave me a huge smile and a reverent, "Mommm-myyyy."
 I could not stop smiling all day, thinking of that sweet smile and that "mommmmyyy."  She ADORED her mama in that moment. I could have cried.

These are the days, friends. These are the days of our lives. These are the moments to remember.